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| One would think by now, after 21 years that, that I'd learn to take care of myself...to motivate myself. Again I find my rubbing my face, cringing at the bumps and awkward feelings brought on a face covered with acne. Acne, a pest...one that should be cleared away if I just wasn't this lazy. I have the tools, the applications to take care of it like so many other things...yet I never do it.
Another week, another batch of homework. Well, that's school for you I guess. Part of me...is scared. Scared, knowing it's my final year - at least what should be my final year. After this, I'm out in the world...whether I'm ready or not. I've yet to really learn how to cook but I can take care of cleaning...so I guess that's something. On the other hand, I still stay up really late on weekends xD. My mind says I can be ready, but I can't tell what my heart says...not this time. It's funny, I carry myself so sure while walking around campus but inside, deep inside, I'm a scared little boy.
It's like I'm just a mask, shrouded in shadows....even when I try to be social.
Then comes my other bane, stuttering. The thing that will probably screw me for the rest of my career life. I'm scared to death to oral presentations and speeches, at times it seems I can hardly get out words to even start a sentence, or a name. I used to think it was better, but is it getting worse? I'm even too scared to talk to a girl...a girl, ooooh scary...right? ~_~
Chivalry may not be dead...just severely wounded, at least in this one. It's no wonder I've never had a girlfriend yet, who would want a timid little boy who can barely speak to girls...one that is underweight despite what he eats. I'm small, I'm quiet...I'm shy. I've always been thinking I'm fine with that, but if I am...would that mean I'm to be fine with living alone, forever? It doesn't seem fair...
Oh thy who live in light,
I bid thee, hear my cry.
Send me to a place of might...
I want to live, I want to fight.
Where is a soul to go,
one that goes solo
purge the shadows,
wanderin' light...
Nary a soul, nor sound
Carry this poor plight
The sword, thy hope
Once more to honor's sight.
Personal banes, hurtful sights
controlling from back, tying strings
Cut me loose, send me truth
Bring forth the kingdom...
...Of Love and Kindess.
I've always called myself "the Watching Shadow" and maybe that's what I'll always be, it's a part of me forever I guess. One that who is always there - watching, hoping to protect...willing to guide the lost back to light. A losing battle, a sacrifice of one for the many. It sounds so...angsty, but I feel it's almost worth it. My life...for others, is a price well spent.
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| I am soooo freaking happy right now ^_^. I finally got hold of an old friend of mine that has been on my mind for years, since like elementary school when he moved away to Florida. It's all thanks to facebook xD...so thank you Shannon (if you ever see this :P), I doubt I would have joined up on facebook even though you were just joking to me about it then xD.
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| It's probably because of my habit of overanalyzing, but I tend to think into dreams I've had, and this is no exception.
When I had crashed on the couch last night, I had a short dream that involved a friend from back home. I remember meeting her through one of my best friends. Anyways, I dreamt I got a call from her and at first I couldn't tell where I was in my dream so it felt like I was in my apartment. The call started out normal enough with exchange of hi's and then me asking who is calling because I didn't recognize the voice. The girl on the phone talked in what feels like a meek voice and says her name then something in my mind clicks. While I hear her speak, it almost sounds like there are seagulls or something in the background, like she's by the water. I start trying to catch up on times with her (about this point the location for me starts to clear up into my last dorm room) and she says something...which I can't remember now, but the dream ends with the girl's voice saying something of the lines of "And now it's your turn." It wasn't in a threatening voice at all, I just got really confused of what she meant. Then I woke up to my cell phone ringing and it was a friend from college.
...heh, another labyrinth for my mind to run.
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| Wow, it's been over a year since my last post here xD. Well, I'm still alive and kicking (for the most part :P). School's done for the year (until fall of course) and spending the summer at an internship...yay...not.
Stupid RoHS.
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*pokes teh xanga*
Been a little while since I last updated, meh.
Fricking finally done with finals...too many F's x_x. I found out the
grade for Thermodynamics...76%. Not too bad considering I never really
studied. I'm kinda afraid to see what I got on the other two that I
think screwed me...HARD. ><
In other news, classes are all
done. Which also means my sophmore year is finished. That fact then
means I'm back at home on my crappy dial-up connection....yay me? Naw...
Gaw..so tired...and it's only 12:30 AM. wtf? x_x;;
tired + Ranti = loopy Ranti >_>;
One
of my friends at school announced QUITE loudly that I was leaving so
all of my friends yelled out a goodbye. That was...a little embarrasing
but also quite amusing and cute XD.
How I hate the window that
my basement room has. It's one of those fire escape things that has the
rocks on the bottom, and a metal rim thing along the ways with a metal
ladder going up it to the surface. Anyways, when I was starting to
unpack and got a little ways into it, I thought i noticed something
moving. Since I have so phobia of bugs my mind thought it was a huge
bug moving around my window attracted by the light or something. It
turns out it was a baby mouse x_x. Let's see...ended up sticking a pole
and a 2x4 into the hole for the mouse to climb up. However, the mouse
was rather....stupid. I must have watched it for almost 8 min as it
would jump around at the walls and then climb around my window screen
and tear some holes. Occasionally, it would jump off which left me
thinking it was committing suicide or something as it fell like 6
times. Ended up laying a blanket down the hole which the mouse crawled
into and then was yanked up and flung away...interesting times with a
stupid window.
Meh...first cardinals running into all the time until my dad put a cover on the hole and now mice? Sheesh....
Sadly, the mouse was the highlight of my night -.-; | | |
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